i decided that i would come over home for the evening - im on duty this weekend so it means that i wont be able to come home until the weekned after this one (15th) which i always find hard. Hadnt planned to come home but i spent all day today with michael and ended up in town beside the bus.

Things have been strange recently. I am feeling quite rushed with methody stran and life in general and have been seriously considering leaving methody at christmas. I havent come to any descisions yet though. People keep telling me that im not myself and that they are worried about me. I feel reasonably like myself, just maybe a quieter and less constantly cheerful form of me.

Soul Mates has just past and i feel like i didnt really connect with it this year - but then as smog you lose out on a bit of the participation for more of the organising, i did feel that it went well though. Every time i hear Dave speak he challenges me about my lack of passion for the bible (its the same with simon t.) I was head of halls at the weekend and i have decided that i quite like doing that - you get to know groups of kids and thier leaders in a way that you wouldnt if you werent in charge of their halls. I was totally blessed with amazing leaders- people who helped and encouraged me with all my responsibilities and personally over the weekend.

At soul mates someone said to me that everytime that they spend time with me they think that i am just too nice (paul has commented before that sometimes he wonders if im for real) and that they feel like repenting because they arent as nice as me - which is a compliment and i realise that; but at the same time thats not how i want to make people feel.....

Its around this time of year that i struggle with being single and its kicked in big style. Jud Vikki and i were chatting in stran the other day about how its Gods plan for some people to be single for all of their life, but Jud said also that God doesnt ignore the desires of your heart and its the desire of my heart to get married and have children, but then maybe thats not whats best for me... sometimes its hard to accept that God isnt suddenly going to let his hand appear holding the book of plans for my life to let me have a quick read. Itd be nice though....

Another thing that i realised at soul mates is that their arent really very many people who i open up to. I've different people that i do open up to and others who can just see straight through all my pretences and masks so they ask me straight out and only settle for the truth, but i think that this is something that im going to have to work at.

So generally i've alot of food for thought this weather.... thanks for listening.