i finished writing my talk on self worth last night. Its quite long but i really enjoyed writing it. It was funny i just sat down to pull some ideas together and ended up writing the talk, and i got really passionate about it when i was writing it too, like i was writing straight from my heart, which doesnt happen that often. It was quite a healing experience too. When i was writing about some of the things that hurt me in the past and made my self worth plummet it was as if i was looking at them through a veil and i realised for the first time that i dont actually believe those lies any more. Not to say that i still dont struggle on the whole issue of self worth, but that i now recognise lies when i hear them.

John Eldrige in one of his other amazing books, the sacred romance, calls them the message of the arrows. I think thats a good description. The things that people say to you, sometimes that aim to hurt or other times when the hurt is accidental but never the less real, that pierce your heart like a thousand arrows. That leave you shaken to your very core and doubting everything that you believed about yourself. Thankfully I have only experience a message on such a scale twice, but both times it attacked what i believe is my calling. The strange thing is that although i didnt believe what the people were saying was true, the arrows still hit home, they still shocked and stung me and i still have the scars. But the scars of those lies I have noticed do not ache any more. I remember the pain the message of the arrows caused by do not feel it. It was the same with last night. For years i struggled with self worth - beliving lies that were said to me nearly every day but then last night when i was writing i realised that i dont believe them any more, something which must have been a gradual process that i didnt notice when i first stopped believing them.

So part of me is quite looking forward to sharing next week, but part of me is terrified. At least my talk is done and one of my friends is checking it for dodgy theology (paul's job when we were on team and i had to speak). Part of me as well knows that as im am sharing some personal stuff with the guys that it will be hard too -im basically sharing with them a bit of my heart that i havent really shared with anyone before. Its always frightening to be vulnerable, but i do believe that these guys need to hear what i;'m planning to share, i dont think it will be a million miles away from their experiences. Hmmmm....